Author: jimmyvalentine

Jimmy Valentine is a hilarious genious. He's a real brainiac, but you wouldn't know it because he's so goreous and totally not nerdy. He fluxuates between a resemblance of fat and skinny Marlon Brando, but even when he's Fat Brando, the chicks are all over him. And he can draw so good, it's sexy. He's also a real gangster rapper from the ghetto who had to pull himself up from the boot straps to escape the poverty striken streets of Normandy, but he still goes back once in a while to use his parents pool, and he still owes his grandma for paying for college (Thanks, Omie. Good lookin' out! I'll get a job one day. I promise).

Seeking Sage Advice For New Orleans Legal Issue

First let me start by wishing everyone a blessed Thanks Giving. I hope the holidays find everyone well. I woke up at 6am and can’t get back to sleep.

As some may remember, in 1996 I took Yancy’s car keys while he was sleeping and got a DWI in his car. I found a great, and not to mention inexpensive, lawyer, Meyer Sablodowsky, who got me off scott free. I even got every penny of my $720 bond money returned to me. That was awesome (not the drinking and driving part, because that’s wiggity-wiggity-whack.)

Since that time I’ve renewed my Missouri drivers lisence twice with no problem. I’ve committed several traffic violations, including one in the French Quarter about a month before Katrina (where I was given a sobriety test and passed, thank you very much,) and had no lagal issues other than the petty tickets issued for these minor violations.

Well, in 2006 I had to renew my license. It had expired, and I wanted to rent a Dodge Charger to drive to New Orleans For my friends Nolan and Beth’s wedding. When I went to the DMV, the lady denied my renewal, telling me, in that smug, government employed way,”You got problems in New Orleans.” She gave me a phone number to call.

As it turns out, the New Orleans court system has conveniently lost the records that say I was dismissed of all charges on that DWI from 11 years ago. They have the records that say I got a DWI, but none that say it was expunged from my driving record. Because of this I can’t renew my lisence. They say it’s up to me to produce the court minutes, or some other kind of legal notice I wasn’t furnished with at the time of the trial. I have kept every record given to me regarding the case, but none of it is what they want.

First I contacted Meyer Sablodowsky, whom never got back to me, and hadn’t made any progress when I contacted him again. Mr. Sablodowsky has unfortunately passed away since then, at the ripe old age of ninety. I loved that man, and may God rest his soul.

Next I sought council from a friend’s brother, who is a lawyer in New Orleans. Since he doesn’t generally deal with traffic issues, he said he’d get to it the next time he happened to “pop” into traffic court. About year later, with nothing being resolved, I realize this guy doesn’t “pop” into traffic court very often.

I remembered a friend of mine is a lawyer in Houma, so three or four weeks ago I went to him on the issue. He said he’d pass it on to a colleague of his in New Orleans. Then yesterday the friend in Houma texted me, and said he hadn’t heard back from his colleague, and suggested I try another avenue. What the fuck?!

I’m currently unemployed and seeking work. Regardless of what kind of job I get, I’m going to be required to produce a valid drivers lisence. I’m meeting with a production company on saturday, about a production assistant position on a feature film shooting in St. Louis. They already asked if I’m comfortable driving a cube truck. I am, but I’m going to have to doctor my drivers lisence before I give it to them. I’m going to have to do this for any job I apply for until I can get some fucking help in New Orleans!

Dave, does Kevin Kelly still practice law in N.O.? Does anyone have any suggestions, or know a halfway decent lawyer? I’m sick of this mother fucking shit! Am I being tried for the same crime twice? Fuck New Orleans! Fuck FEMA for telling me to give my money back! Fuck Katrina for providing an excuse for the courts to pretend they lost my shit so they can fuck some more money out of my fucking ass!

Merry Fucking Christmas, and I’m thankful that I’ll be dead one day!

Seriously though, anyone got any ideas.

O’J.

This Friday: Bullets and Octane Do Atlanta

These guys are some friends of mine, I’ve mentioned them before, but I think it was in that new music debate that got erased. They’re playing this friday in Atlanta, at some place called Center Stage. You guys should check them out. The singer, Gene(background, pouring beer into girls mouth), used to play drums for my band in highschool, called The Unappreciated Teenage Superheroes. The bass player, Brent (foreground, making a fist) was in another band we played around with, called This Side. The guy who will be selling merchandise, Jason a.k.a. Spark One Duh? (not pictured) is also a friend. He still lives in STL, and hosts a Hip Hop night every Thursday. He always calls me out, and makes me freestlye when I’m there.

If I’ve got the story straight, Bullets and Octane just walked out on their contract with RCA because they didn’t get some kind of recording bonus they were being enticed with by the label, for making their second RCA album. So they took the album, and they’re hoping to sell 40 copies a night at something like $5 a pop, to show RCA they could make more money on their own.

So go, and support! If you tell Jason or Gene that you’ve always been a fan of The Unappreciated Teenage Superheroes, they’ll probably let you bang groupies (see photo) with them. Jason says, when they’re on tour, even the merch-man has groupies. Also, they like to drink a lot, and travel with their own beer supply. I don’t know what their arrangements are, but they may even appreciate a place to crash.

They’re really big in the UK. Greg’s probably seen them before. He probably even has an autographed copy of the issue of Black Velvet they graced the cover of. See How their name is way bigger than Jon Bon Jovi’s? That’s how big they are.

Hear their music on Myspace

It’s just the way I feel.

Da F*kkin’ Pervertz are here!

I was thinking about the children, when I edited the headline there, Elbuzzrd.

My rap duo is called “Da F*kkin’ Pervetz”. It consists of Jimmy The Virgin (me) rapping, and Mr. P-body makes the beats.

Check out our hit single, “Hoselhoff’s Rap (Hollyrock)” on our myspace music page:

www.myspace.com/fukkinpervertz

Sorry, Elbuzzard. I couldn’t edit the link. Yes, the lyrics are kind of explict, so prudes and children under 18 beware.

New Stuff at I Foreign I

Things are getting exciting over at iforeigni.com. There are some new things, up and a lot more additions to the site underway. There is a virigin blog page, waiting to be ravished. You can read the current “about” page, but it will soon have new “about” additions made as well. Stay tuned, because we are making new stuff everyday, and we are very excited about our plans to put up the I Foreigni I Store page, with all kinds of goodies to cop or covet. This is coming soon, as we need to get the pay pal set up, and the merchandise manufactured. I’m about to pee in my pants with giddy abandon.

Oh yeah, the real point of this post is because we are setting up the “Links” page so people can link to our friends site. I was going to link El Buzzard, if El Buzzard is interested. I’m going to link Rebecca Havemeyer, whether she likes it, or not. Who is interested in having a link to your site from www.iforeigni.com Comment back, and let me know if you want to be included.