Author: mrunstoppable

I need a good one real bad.  Someone please lay it on me.  I have decided to develop my own, and I am in sore need of some guidance. 

I just had the greatest idea. When people send cards, they should leave them blank, and just attach a post-it with a message. Thus proliferating the life of the card, and saving everyone heaps of money. And saving trees, and giving people the green light to send out cards that they have really enjoyed through the years. Genius!

The Nebraska Cornhuskers are the greatest college team in the history of all things Collegiate. They could beat the best Duke Basketball team by 40 points. They would have hit consecutive home runs over and over again off Roger Clemens when he was at Texas. If the Cornhuskers were a person, they would be Jesus. When they beat Michigan yesterday, it meant that they are going to be great for the rest of time. Other teams will have to start using handguns just to hang in against Nebraska. The same goes for my other favorite teams. The Baltimore Orioles will no doubt become unstoppable based on the results of the 2005 Alamo Bowl, and yes, so will the New Orleans Saints. The Saints will also move back to New Orleans, which will be completely recovered in the next 3 months. Thanks again Nebraska. For fixing everything.

Today my brother and I were standing on the back porch of our house. There was a bunch of snow on the detached garage’s roof. We both took turns knocking the snow off by throwing old metal folding chairs at the roof. It didn’t work. Then Chuck had to climb onto the snowy roof, and retrieve one of the folded folding chairs that got stuck up there. (We threw them folded and unfolded to cover all our bases). Chuck almost fell off the roof many times, but he took my advice (“Stay low”) and made it back to the porch safely. I was so scared for him. So scared.

Also, before the chair incident we went under a big tree in the back with the intentions of shaking it, and making all the snow come down. This did not work because the tree was too big to shake. But Chuck did try to “buck” it like a bull. Chuck is so brave.

A collection of activities I can now drink at thanks to the birthday flask Dave gave me:

1) Sporting Events
2) Sledding
3) Sking
4) Snowball Fights
5) Shoveling
6) Drinking
7) Playing Cards
8) Riding Horses
9) Camping
10)Typing
11) Working
12) Mowing
13) Axing
14) Sleeping
15) State Fairs
16) Skating
17) Snowshoing
18) Shopping
19) Kite-flying
20) Cursing
21) Candle Making
22) Boating
23) Whoring
24) Fighting
25) Proposing

Thanks again Dave!

So I spent the Thanksgiving Holidays with my girlfriend Chelsey’s parents in Kearney, NE. The span of 4 days quickly became a blur, as the first evening dissolved into a drunken mess, starring her father and me. It included about 25 beers, 6 shots of Wild Turkey, and a pool table. Highlights included his drinking to “You winning a game of pool,” during our third round of shots, and my shooting back “What did I tell you about talking shit to me?” The musical accompaniment was supplied by AC/DC, Sammy Haggar, and Kid Rock. I got so drunk.

The next morning I was informed that I had passed the test of being able to hang in with Mr. Greg Erpelding. This came as a tremendous relief, as there was no way I was going to be able to suffer another audition. Mr. Erpelding, by the way was chipper as could be the next day, hopping out of bed at 8am, to start smoking the Thanksgiving Day turkey. Did I mention he also had 3 shots of Rum? The man is made of steel, leather, and turpentine. My hangover was colossal. I crawled through Thursday, while the rest of the family took pity on me.

The following days were anti-climatic compared to the night of debauchery. Chelsey and I met a ton of relatives and friends, and we made it to that Archway that Jack Nicholson goes to in “About Schmidt.” It was so lame, except that it had some of those weird video action/physical displays that are fast becoming my favorites in the newer museums. (Chicago has a nice one in their submarine section of the Museum of Science and Industry.)

Now I am sick of writing. I will end with two things taught me by Chelsey’s parents:

1) If you wrap up cookies with a piece of bread it keeps them moist.
2) A cool nickname for Old Milwaukee beer is “The Old Mill.”

I’m going roller skating tonight for Chelsey’s birthday. Will I fall? Will I get in a fight? What about those tough dudes that hang out at roller rinks? Will they “hassle” me? It’s adult skate, so at least I don’t have to deal with 13 year olds who smoke. I have not skated since I was in high school, and I was never any good. Chelsey can skate backwards. Good for her.