Category: General

I got back last night from a conference in my old home of Boston yesterday. I had hoped to make continuous updates to the site from my hotel, since at $145 a night I expected free high-speed internet access. No dice. I supposed I could have charged the 33 cents a minute to the fine people of Georgia along with everything else, but my conscience got the better of me and I toughed it out with no internet. It was horrific.

Here’s some highlights of my trip:

1. A lady on the plane told me about the weather, and how bad it has been. She said, “It’s been raining so long that it has really taken a toll on people’s moods.” I commented that the general mood of New Englanders is pretty lousy to begin with. She took slight offense until she found out I had lived in Salem and Medford and told me I was allowed to tell the truth about New England since I had lived there. However, it began a little North-South battle. She then pointed out the kid sitting a row ahead of us and said, “That kid must be from the South, he’s in his barefeet.” Which in fact he was, having taken off his flip flops. I countered with “I bet he’s from New England since he’s got his feet up on the seat in front of him. He’s got New England manners.” When he turned around we both saw the Red Sox cap. I was the victor.
2. Tedi Bruschi is doing great, I stopped by his house on the way to the hotel from the airport to see how he was doing and to drop off a peach cobbler that Warrick Dunn gave me to give to him. That Warrick is a great cook, and all around nice guy. Tedi says he will play next season and will continue to be my favorite Patriot.
3. I went out to Harvard Square to meet JS, a friend from library school. We stopped by the Harvard Bookstore where David Sedaris was doing a book reading. It reminded me that despite its terrible weather, crabby people, and expensive rent, Boston is a pretty cool place to live. They broadcast the book reading on speakers to the street, and quite a crowd showed up when Sedaris started talking about “cocksuckers,” “fucky-fucks”, and lesbian pornography. Funny, when he was reading a fable about a baboon and a cat, no one that was walking by stopped to listen.
4. Every male from the ages of 15-35 in Boston wears a Red Sox cap. I saw no less that 7 life-size cardboard stand-ups of Johnny Damon around town.

After a brief email interaction, I sent the love of my life (discussed in ‘On My Way to Cybersex) my picture, which, evidently, has ended our relationship. This abrupt conclusion to my two-day affair has left me heartbroken and convinced that looks do matter. Hopeless in New Orleans, sex out of the questions, man boobs too big … life fading away … bald

This my first attempt at Internet dating. Here’s who I chose. What do you think?

Do you love needy, emotional cripples who suffer perpetual mood swings? Do you like girls who demand constant attention and assurance from you and when you give it, push you away and complain that you are smothering them; then, when you leave them alone for ten minutes, they scream that you don’t love them anymore and are cheating on them with someone else as they raid your cell phone for the whore of Babylon’s phone number or plunge their heads madly into your laundry basket in search of another woman’s perfume? Perhaps you would like a girl with advanced degrees from pretentious universities who probably couldn’t function in a job at a taco stand for very long because she finds all jobs painfully boring and a waste of her time. Probably the girl of your dreams views offices as microcosms of the world; that is, insane asylums with bars and no escape. Death or insanity are your true love’s only options as she operates the copy machine and wonders why doing this 8 hours a day is considered healthy and normal. The best part is every day when she comes home and tells you how much she hates her job. You love this. In fact, you live for it. The monotonous, epic tirade about how she is a slave to money and bills and derives no satisfaction whatsoever from a single minute of her repetitive, mundane existence is the highlight of your day. Most days, it is all she can do to keep from plunging a letter-opener into her chest as she date-stamps the mail over and over and over again. The very thought of this makes you want to take her in your arms, tell her everything will be fine, kiss the tears off her beefy, apoplectic face, and throw her down on the floor and have wild sex. The best part is how calm and stabilized she becomes after sex. Your power over this girl’s emotions is like crack.

What I am looking for: a somewhat bookish, intellectual and/or artistic, sensitive, patient fellow between the ages of 33 and 40 who likes to nurture little wounded forest animals back to health; a guy who can manage to walk the fine line of rescuer (without being too stifling) and slightly sadistic tormentor who won’t put up with shenanigans or nonsense of any kind (yes, the ‘daddy’ issues you have at your disposal are infinite). No jealous types or controlling freakshows please. You are very calm and self-assured. No major self-esteem issues to speak of.

What you’re looking for. A tall, thin, eccentric, often reserved, sometimes not (remember, mood swings), creative, impulsive, sometimes socially inept individual who isn’t very mentally stable. You love temper tantrums intermingled with sobbing spells, followed by a few weeks of catatonia. You view the catatonia as a vacation. You can catch up on reading, pursue your own interests, or just rest up for the next raging storm. You are probably an enabler who views his girlfriend as a very complicated and challenging project. It’s all good.

Please include a pic or I am afraid I won’t be responding. This is not so much to judge your looks. I am not that shallow (well, ok, maybe a little).

Leslie and I went to go see the new Star Wars movie last night. I loved it. Finally, George Lucas came through.

I’ll do my best to not spoil any of the plot here.

Star Wars is such a part of my childhood, as it is for most people my age. I can name all the characters, and recite all the lines. I’m a nerd. I admit it. All the distinctive sounds are permantly burned in my brain: the Tusken Raiders’ howl, the sound R2D2 makes when his circuits are fried, the Ewok song at the end of Return of the Jedi, Chewbacca’s sad groan. I do a pretty good imitation of a lightsaber lighting up, if I do say so myself.

Episodes I and II were a disappointment to me, like they were for a lot of people. Poor acting, overly childish humor, bad writing. Of course, we held them up to such high standards, its partly our own fault for expecting too much. We set ourselves up for a disappointment.

Episode III is such a vast improvement over the two previous films, however. It actually felt like a Star Wars movie. The others had their moments of Star Warsishness, but Revenge of the Sith keeps it up through the entire film. Lucas obviously spent a good deal of time making this movie connect to the original triology. There are early X-Wings, Imperial Capital Ships, TIE Fighters, Imperial Shuttles. Scout Troopers and speeders, and the Emperor’s red-cloaked guards. Even the Correllian Cruiser featured in the opening scene of Episode IV is there. I admit, the stark whiteness of the interior of that ship made me tingly inside when I saw it reproduced in the MMORPG Star Wars Galaxies that I played for awhile, and it gave me the same feeling when I saw it again in Revenge of the Sith.

More than the story or the characters, I enjoyed the seeing the evolution of the Star Wars universe in the movie. Even the musical score was well done, mixing the choral arrangements of Episode I with the familiar melodies from the original films. As Revenge of the Sith progressed, the music evolved more and more towards the Imperial March and Luke’s theme on Tatooine. If I had my druthers, Revenge of the Sith would be Episode I and we could watch the Empire evolve from the beginnings of Darth Vader in Episodes II and III. There have been rumors that there will be a TV series based on the time period between Episodes III and IV. I’m hesitant about that though. I don’t really trust television as a medium for quality.

All in all, Lucas planned his new Star Wars series out well. The third film makes the other two better. I would have preferred of course, that the other two could stand on their own merit, but which film of the original triology can stand on its own? Only Episode I. The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi both require a knowledge of the what has come before to appreciate the story and characters. Its almost as if Episodes I and II require a knowledge of what comes after to be appreciated.

Friday afternoons move slowly.

The house is so clean you could eat off the floors. The furniture is glowing with lemon Pledge. All windows are without cat-nose smudges. I’m a master at baking. My Nonna’s donated curtains are ironed and smell like her laundry detergent. The bed is made. The bathroom is sparkling and all of the towels are clean. The bills are paid, the picket fence is painted, the cd’s are in alphabetical order. We have plenty of ice, the newly planted herbs are growing. I’m knitting scarves and cell phone cozies for everyone one I know, in bizarre colors from leftover yarn. Papers are filed and I can find anything in the house in 30 seconds. All of our clothes are folded and put away, winter clothes in storage. Reservations are made for vacation in Jersey. There are no pens in this house that don’t write, all pencils are sharpened. I finished all of the Washington Post crossword puzzles in their online archives; I have answered every possible clue about Napoleon’s exile in Elba. There is nothing under the bed except a rarely-used suitcase. I have discarded all old makeup according to Style magazine’s chart. I take extremely long showers. I know every stray cat in a 3 block radius. I have taught my cats to come to me when called. I have seen every Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode at least twice. I have written multiple versions of a cover letter all saved under a different file name for easy access. I’ve tried every exercise program on the Comcast On Demand channel. My personal favorite is Pilates. The Yoga instructor is a lunatic, no one can get in those positions. The woodwork is clean and there are no dust bunnies in this house. The dry goods are stored according to the Joy of Cooking’s ‘Pantry Tips’. I know exactly how many tablespoons of butter equal a third of a cup.

Martha Stewart would be proud.

I am going mad.